Since coming out, I have been asked the question “but how did you not know?” more times than I care to remember. Nowadays, how far I delve into answering depends on who is asking, but it has been a topic I have spent many hours agonising over myself. What was going on with me that led to me living the first 39 years of my life without doubting my straightness, only to discover I am actually not straight (and likely never have been)?
Luckily for us these days, a Google search will connect us with an ever-increasing number of stories from people around the world who have found themselves asking the same kind of question. Lisa Diamond has even made this the focus of her research through her 10-year longitudinal study of 100 women that resulted in her book Sexual Fluidity. The common thread running through these stories is that becoming aware of your sexuality or gender not aligning with the way you have been living is something that happens differently for everyone. Some people have always known (and repressed) that how they feel inside doesn’t align with how they appear outwardly, or that they are attracted to people that put them outside of heterosexual norms. For others, these realisations appear like a bolt from the blue, but also strangely make sense. Little, confusing things that have dotted our history suddenly find context. In my case, this included a compulsion to go out of my way to buy my coffee at a cafe with a certain hot barista and a lifetime of intrigued obsession with any lesbian that happened to cross my path.
So, what could cause us to hide or deny or just plain old not notice that we are not straight and/or cisgender? In board terms, it’s things like:
Living in a dominant heteronormative culture that assumes everyone is straight.
Expectations of others.
Growing up in a religious or conservative family.
Desire to become a parent and/or expectations that you will.
Lack of any / any positive representation of Rainbow Communities.
General sense of something being missing, but genuinely not understanding what.
Fear of ‘blowing up’ your life.
Sexual fluidity.
Something I noticed happening to me as I adjusted to my identity as a cis lesbian woman is that I got angry. Not just about my own story, but about the way the world is. I suddenly found myself contemplating the ‘straightness’ and ‘cis-ness’ of the world in ways I never had before. And that’s ok. Giving ourselves the space and permission to feel the whirlwind of emotions that this process sets off in us is one of the kindest gifts we can give ourselves.
Join me next time as I start unpacking some of these reasons we may not come out to ourselves or others until later in our lives.
Want to talk? You can book with me or any of our counsellors here.
Our counsellor Claire, a queer cisgender woman who came out later in life, offers a safe, trans-inclusive space to help you explore your identity, navigate emotions, and plan your next steps. Whether you're questioning your sexuality or gender, coming out to loved ones, or finding your community, Claire is here to walk with you.
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