It’s here - the time of year when we are reminded at every turn that the holidays are about happy, smiling families and coming home for Christmas and shiny, perfect reconciliations where those unforgiving grandparents accept the errors of their ways and lovingly welcome us back into the fold… I mean, show me a family where things actually play out like we’re led by movies and advertising to believe they do and I’ll eat my hat. But what is very real is that for many people in Rainbow Communities, spending the holiday season with people they know don’t support who they are is incredibly tough. Above all, your safety and wellbeing are the most important things to think about. If you start pre-planning how to manage the holidays and realise Christmas events are going to be one long assault on your mental health, it is ok to seriously consider whether you go. If you decide you do have to or want to go, here are some tips for navigating this most complicated time of the year.
Pre-planning:
What is your history with this group of people? Find out who you are likely to have to spend time with and pre-plan strategies that minimise exposure to stress. These can include turning down invitations to certain events you know are likely to be particularly tough, to filing away some phrases like “It’s Christmas, let’s not get into religion or politics now, hey?” and “I’m actually here to enjoy some time with my family, I’d prefer not to talk about that right now”. While frustrating, pre-planning can help you head into difficult situations feeling prepared.
Try to keep expectations realistic:
It is human of us to hope that, despite our history with certain people, this will be the time that they choose to show up and affirm us. When this doesn’t happen and they prove themselves to not have changed at all, old wounds can reopen and we can feel hurt and rejected. Keeping our expectations of how things are probably going to go can prevent us from having to endure the crash that follows a ‘same old, same old’ response from people.
Organise a support system:
Another thing you can pre-arrange is a support system that will be available for you to text or call and decompress with during your holiday events. Organise for a couple of trusted, safe people in your life to know that you’re entering an emotionally rough time, and let them know when they need to be ‘on call’.
Hopefully there will be at least one person present at the events you’re attending who is fully accepting of you. Seek that person out if you’re feeling triggered or upset and ask them if you can take some time out together.
Boundaries, boundaries:
Yup, it’s an overused word, but boundaries are so important.
Setting boundaries basically means putting strategies in place that limit the amount of stress you’re exposed to. They can look like:
Shutting down conversations you don’t feel comfortable being a part of. This could mean changing the subject, walking away or stating that this is not something you feel ok talking about.
Turning down invitations to events you don’t feel comfortable attending.
Choosing not to stay with family and instead organising an Air B and B or hotel or a bed at an affirming friend’s place.
Giving yourself time out when you need it and going for a walk / out for coffee / spending time in your room, etc.
Opting out of using your emotional labour to educate people about all things Rainbow. Even if people are asking you questions from a place of genuinely wanting to understand, it’s not your job to teach them and you can always politely decline.
Look after yourself:
Keeping in touch with how you’re feeling helps you know when it’s time to activate a support strategy or boundary. Take a moment and notice where you’re at, then try following these steps:
Notice how you’re feeling (e.g., sad, anxious, misunderstood, lonely, angry, etc.)
Affirm yourself (e.g., “It’s ok that I’m feeling like this. Nobody here gets me and that’s really hard.”)
Meet your needs. Do you need to:
Move away from this conversation?
Take a walk outside for a few minutes?
Take a decent break and spend a few hours on your own?
Reevaluate how you’re engaging with this event as a whole, and maybe say no to something or head home early?
Basically, looking after yourself means treating yourself the same way you would a dear friend. It acknowledges that you deserve love and respect and that other people’s actions are a reflection of them, not you.
It’s ok to call for help:
If you feel at all unsafe, be that physically or mentally, during the holidays, it is always ok to call for help. If you are in physical danger, get out and call the Police. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis and are not able to cope, you can call or text 1737 for 24 hour support, or go to your nearest Hospital Emergency Department, or contact your local mental health crisis team.
Team Kōwhai are taking a break between 20 December and 6 January, but outside of those times, you can always make an appointment with me or any of our counsellors here.
Our counsellor Claire, a queer cisgender woman who came out later in life, offers a safe, trans-inclusive space to help you explore your identity, navigate emotions, and plan your next steps. Whether you're questioning your sexuality or gender, coming out to loved ones, or finding your community, Claire is here to walk with you.
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