The holiday season… For some of the older young people in our lives, this is already here. For younger ones, they are at peak excitement as they cross off the last few days of term and Christmas gets ever closer. When we’re all tired and worn out from the year that’s been, the long, lazy days where December rolls into January and nobody knows what day it is float ahead of us like a sweet dream. But what if this time of the year fills you with dread as a parent? And not just because you know it means that exhausting balancing act of school-less kids with the demands of work… If you are the parent of a Rainbow child, this time of year can mean navigating - and then debriefing - gatherings with unsupportive families, or explaining why you’ve chosen not to attend them. We know that having the love and support of their whānau is a critical factor in the mental wellbeing of Rainbow young people. We also know it’s normal and natural to feel confused and overwhelmed about how to parent them well, especially when you face pressure to turn up to family events at Christmas. Here are some ideas to help you as a parent prepare for and cope with the holiday season ahead.
Talk to your child
Dr. Myeshia Price from The Trevor Project recommends that the first step in planning holiday events is to talk to your child. This can include beginning to discuss how they feel about the upcoming time with extended family, and asking them questions such as:
Would you like me to talk to [family member] before we go and visit them? What would you like me to say?
Do you want me to correct people if they refer to you as a girl?
Would you like us to plan what you say if someone says they don’t want to use the right pronouns / name for you?
What signal shall we have for you to let me know you need my support (e.g., they could say they need to ask mum for a drink as a way of getting out of conversations they are feeling stressed by)?
Set boundaries ahead of time
Plan ahead by having conversations with people you are going to be spending time with, particularly if they are coming into your home. As Leo Kirkham writes, these can cover things like:
Explaining that any comments that are phobic or discriminatory towards Rainbow Communities won’t be tolerated.
Reminding others of your child’s pronouns and name, and the expectation that these will be used correctly.
Explaining that mistakes in pronoun and name use happen, and that these need to be apologised for briefly and corrected without fuss.
Reminding others who might be giving gifts to your child that these need to be appropriate.
If your child is bringing a partner to spend time with the family, explaining your expectation that your child, their partner and the relationship will all be treated with respect.
Do you have to go..?
Is attending an event where you know people are not going to accept or respect your child something that you really have to do? While there is pressure placed on us to fulfil obligations and participate in family Christmas events, we need to evaluate whether the toll this might take on our child’s mental health is worth it. To make this an easier question to answer, Dr. Myeshia Price asks:
I also encourage parents and families to ask themselves how they would approach a situation like this if it were about physical harm. If you were being asked to expose your child to a family member who would likely harm them physically, what would you do?
She goes on to acknowledge that this isn’t an easy decision to make. Knowingly taking your child into a space where they are at risk of discrimination and bigotry can damage their view of you as a safe, supportive person who prioritises their wellbeing. On the flipside, not attending events can damage relationships with wider family members. In summary, she suggests parents be guided by the question “what decision is best for ensuring my child's health, safety, and joy?”.
Staunch allyship is the best gift a Rainbow child can get
It really is true that allyship is a verb. All children and young people thrive when they know they have the love and support of family members, and this is no different for queer kids. In a world that doesn’t always respect or care about them, the positive effects for Rainbow young people of feeling safe and seen in their family are huge. When they see their parents / siblings / wider family members seeking their input, making decisions based on their wellbeing and blatantly shutting down discrimination and phobia, they feel cared for and supported.
It’s ok to call for help:
If you feel that you or your child are at all unsafe, be that physically or mentally, during the holidays, it is always ok to call for help. If you are in physical danger, get out and call the Police. If you or your child are experiencing a mental health crisis and are not able to cope, you can call or text 1737 for 24 hour support, or go to your nearest Hospital Emergency Department, or contact your local mental health crisis team.
Team Kōwhai are taking a break between 20 December and 6 January, but outside of those times, you can always make an appointment with me or any of our counsellors here.
Our counsellor Claire, a queer cisgender woman who came out later in life, offers a safe, trans-inclusive space to help you explore your identity, navigate emotions, and plan your next steps. Whether you're questioning your sexuality or gender, coming out to loved ones, or finding your community, Claire is here to walk with you.
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