So, you’ve been on a journey and have come out to yourself. And right now, you’re holding that information close to your chest. Not because you want to, necessarily, but because it feels massive and it’s taking you a while to get your own head around it, let alone other people’s. Maybe you’re working out how in the world you navigate this when you’re in a heterosexual partnership and there are kids involved. Maybe you’re worried that - for myriad potential reasons - your family and others close to you will not cope with hearing this news. Maybe you’re grieving the many years you tried to pretend this wasn’t your truth, after getting to the point where you can’t pretend any more. And now the holiday season is here and you know you have to spend time with people who think you’re someone you’ve now accepted you’re not. Whatever your story and whatever age you are, the thought of having to pretend you’re a-ok when inside you resemble a storm in a snowglobe can be overwhelming. Here are some tips to help you navigate this emotionally tough time:
Considering coming out over the holiday period..?
Psychotherapist Stefanie Pēna points out that while it is unsettling and frustrating to remain closeted to people you want to be your authentic self around, coming out while you’re together over the holiday period may not be the best idea. She reminds us that the holidays can be stressful enough as they are, and adding the emotional labour involved in coming out and then fielding questions or dealing with hurtful reactions can be too much. This is a view shared by Michael LaSala, who warns that others’ reactions may be surprising, upsetting or - in the worst cases - unsafe or alienating for the person coming out. Unless you are very sure your family will receive your coming out with love and affirmation, it is best to hold off on sharing your news until after the festivities are over.
Dealing with guilt
While I stayed silent, I felt like a fraud. I never outright lied, but lying by omission made me feel extremely guilty - and it also took a toll on my understanding of my identity. Feeling like my sexuality was something worth hiding then made it feel like it was something to be ashamed of. For me, family gatherings triggered these emotions in an extreme way.
As Bailey Calfee writes above, spending time with people who don’t know the secret you’re carrying can be emotionally draining and guilt-inducing. If you are newly (or solely) out to yourself, these feelings can be even more acute. Your own sense of comfort and confidence with your identity might be really fragile, and being in situations that both exacerbate this and give you the guilts for keeping it all secret is really hard. Even when you are dealing with these feelings, it’s important to remember that you really are not doing anything wrong. As Max Hartley writes, coming out can be transformative, but it is not a one-off event. It is something we do consistently, in different contexts and with different people. And it is something we can only do when we’re ready to. As Pēna says, we can still connect meaningfully with others, even if we’re not out to them. We are not being inauthentic by keeping this information to ourselves.
Looking after yourself
If you have people in your life who do know where things are at with you, Pēna suggests regularly checking in with them during the holiday period. If this is something you alone are working through, it’s going to be really important to make sure you’re looking after yourself over this time. Think about bringing a combo of the following ideas into your festive season:
Take time out. It is the holidays, after all! You’re allowed some time for you. Take a nap, have a long bath, go for a walk, head out for a coffee or sit in a quiet outdoor place. If you have kids, see if you can engage someone else in childcare so you can take a couple of hours to yourself. And yes, this can include also taking time away from a partner, if this is what you need.
Remember that you are in charge of you; despite what they may tell you, nobody has a right to information about you that you are not ready to share. It is absolutely ok to respond to questions about how you are / what’s wrong with you because you don’t seem yourself / etc. by saying that you’re working through some things and you’ll talk about them when it feels right.
If anxiety is creeping in, try some of these grounding techniques. These can help you to slow down and focus on the present moment when you feel caught up in edginess or worry.
Remember, the festive season is not forever
I know that the end of the festive season doesn’t necessarily mean the end of your coming out emotional rollercoaster. But, it does mean a return to your usual surroundings and people and routines, and to your ways of processing whether to / how to come out to others. Mentally crossing off the days until you can go home and/or just stop spending time with people it’s hard to spend time with is completely ok! Anything to remind yourself that you can do this.
It’s ok to call for help:
If you feel at all unsafe, be that physically or mentally, during the holidays, it is always ok to call for help. If you are in physical danger, get out and call the Police. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis and are not able to cope, you can call or text 1737 for 24 hour support, or go to your nearest Hospital Emergency Department, or contact your local mental health crisis team.
Team Kōwhai are taking a break between 20 December and 6 January, but outside of those times, you can always make an appointment with me or any of our counsellors here.
Our counsellor Claire, a queer cisgender woman who came out later in life, offers a safe, trans-inclusive space to help you explore your identity, navigate emotions, and plan your next steps. Whether you're questioning your sexuality or gender, coming out to loved ones, or finding your community, Claire is here to walk with you.
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