In retrospect, the clues had been there all along. In high school and college, I wrote poems about girls and women I had crushes on and can also remember falling in love with my best friend at 14 - as much as one can 'fall in love' at that age .
Straight folk either assume I 'became' lesbian because something happened to 'turn me' or that I was lying to everybody all my life. None of this acknowledges the truth of my past, that I was living my life as honestly as I knew how but I only recently began to explore who I am… I wish people knew that I don't understand my coming out either… You don't get it? Well, neither do I .
These two women are reflecting on their journey to coming out in mid-life. While one of them has a retrospective awareness that she always knew about her sexuality, both initially saw themselves as straight, and their life stories reflected that for many years. And both relate this in some way to the power of cultural norming - that is, how much the spoken and unspoken heterosexual expectations of western society shape the way we live our lives. Despite Aotearoa being comparatively liberal and inclusive on the global stage, heteronormativity remains pervasive. As Chris Tompkins points out, heteronormativity is everywhere from songs on the radio to the images we see in the media to the examples we’re given in the classroom. Most people’s primary assumption is that we are all straight and cisgender, unless we disclose otherwise.
Growing up in provincial New Zealand in the ‘80s and ‘90s, I had zero out Rainbow folk in my life. The words ‘gay’ and ‘lesbo’ were used as slurs and hung over their targets like blankets of social exclusion. Time and again, my conversations with others who also came out in their 30s and beyond echo these same themes. People I know whose stories align more with the first quote at the start of this blog bridge a spectrum from keeping these early inklings completely private, to acting on them briefly before convincing themselves that this was not something they could / should do. Any courageous soul who did live aligned to the truth of their identity was viewed with a mix of jealousy and awe. My own story is a carbon copy of the second quote. Since coming out to myself as ‘not straight’, I have developed the retrospective awareness that I was likely bisexual as a young person and into my early adulthood. However, in no way did I have the words or the understanding to grasp this at the time (I don’t even think I knew there was such a thing as ‘bisexual’); I just had the pervasive sense that ‘something’ I couldn’t put my finger on was wrong with me.
Regardless of whether a later in life acknowledgement of a Rainbow identity is joyous or difficult, both of these scenarios and all their endless variations leave a psychological mark. This holds whether we have been hiding or denying a core part of ourselves, or honestly believing that how we were living was our truth despite the strange wrongness we felt. Facing our authentic self can therefore uncover a veritable smorgasbord of emotions, from shame to grief to regret to confusion to joy. In addition, experiencing these emotions against a heteronormative backdrop can make us feel angry and devalued. Forming a trusting relationship with a supportive counsellor is one of the best ways you can help yourself process your way through what is often described as this emotional rollercoaster. Awkward as it may seem at first, repeating phrases to yourself can also be useful in reassuring yourself as you twist along the track. I really like this list, which includes things like:
My life has meaning beyond what others think of me
I am queer enough
It’s a joy to get to know the true me
Coming out later in life can feel like you’re meeting yourself for the first time, and leave you wondering who you were for all those years prior. It’s so important to remember that this rollercoaster of feelings is completely normal and - while all you probably want to do is stop the ride and get off - you will make it through them.
Want to talk? You can book with me or any of our counsellors here.
Our counsellor Claire, a queer cisgender woman who came out later in life, offers a safe, trans-inclusive space to help you explore your identity, navigate emotions, and plan your next steps. Whether you're questioning your sexuality or gender, coming out to loved ones, or finding your community, Claire is here to walk with you.
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