When we think about coming out for the first time, we usually think of young people, right? But what if we find ourselves in our 30s or beyond with a feeling that we’ve missed the bus? What if we didn’t even notice the bus was there in the first place? For many people, coming out to ourselves (and possibly the world) for the first time is something that takes place a long time after the years of our youth. This can mean it also takes place against a backdrop of long-term heterosexual relationships, parenting, others’ established views of us and a clear trajectory along a heteronormative life path. In a word - it’s complicated. This was precisely my backdrop when I came out as lesbian at the age of 40. Not only did my discovery initially blindside me and those close to me, it prompted many people to ask me one, incredibly hard to answer, question: “...but how did you not know?”.
Did I know? Surely life-altering realisations of our sexuality not being what we thought it was don’t just happen? As far as I had understood, I had always been straight. A staunch ally to Rainbow Communities, sure, but very much straight. Coming out to myself began my quest to understand what had happened to me, and learning that I wasn’t alone in my experiences led me to where I am today - a counsellor offering therapeutic support to others who are also exploring their sexuality or gender well after they have aged out of youth services. Because let’s be honest - this can be hard. Realising (or letting yourself realise) your true identity can be hard. Making the decision to live in this identity, and by implication, step away from what has been the only life path you’ve known, can be hard. Losing relationships can be hard. Attempting to engage in things like building new social circles and - gasp - dating and exploring relationships again can be really, really hard. And exhilarating. And confusing.
Over the coming months, I will be taking a general look at different aspects of the ‘coming out at 30 and beyond’ journey. Of course, when you have met one person who came out around midlife, you’ve met one person who came out around midlife; the process is beautifully unique for all of us. But at a time when the world around you feels like it is wobbling on its axis, learning that there are indeed others who understand and have their own experiences of this process can be the most reassuring thing.
Want to talk? You can book with me or any of our counsellors here.
Our counsellor Claire, a queer cisgender woman who came out later in life, offers a safe, trans-inclusive space to help you explore your identity, navigate emotions, and plan your next steps. Whether you're questioning your sexuality or gender, coming out to loved ones, or finding your community, Claire is here to walk with you.
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