Narrative therapy for families: Helping everyone tell their story

Family life is filled with stories—the ones we tell about each other, the ones we repeat about ourselves, and the shared narratives that define what it means to be "our family." These stories can bring families closer together or drive them apart, depending on how they're told and who gets to tell them.

Narrative therapy offers powerful tools for families to explore these stories together, helping each member feel heard while creating new, more helpful family narratives.

How narrative approaches help family communication

Everyone's story matters

In many families, communication problems stem from certain voices being louder or more valued than others. Narrative therapy creates space for each family member's perspective to be recognised as equally valid.

When a teenager says, "Nobody in this family listens to me," and a parent responds, "That's not true, you're being dramatic," the conversation hits a dead end. Narrative approaches help family members move beyond arguing about whose reality is "correct" to understanding that each person's experience is real to them.

Problems exist outside people

Families often fall into patterns of labelling members: "the difficult one," "the responsible one," or "the troublemaker." These labels can become self-fulfilling prophecies that limit growth and change.

Narrative therapy helps families separate people from problems by talking about issues as external forces affecting the family rather than personality traits. Instead of "Jamie is lazy," the conversation shifts to "How is procrastination affecting Jamie, and how is it impacting our family?"

Multiple stories exist simultaneously

Every family event can be understood through multiple lenses. A child's misbehaviour might be seen as:

• A sign of disrespect (discipline story)

• An attempt to get attention (attachment story)

• A response to feeling overwhelmed (emotional regulation story)

• Testing boundaries (development story)

Narrative therapy helps families recognise these different interpretations and choose which ones best help them move forward together.

Techniques for parents to use with children

Externalising conversations

Children often struggle to separate themselves from their problems, thinking "I am bad" rather than "I did something that didn't work well."

How to do it:

1. Help your child give the problem a name (e.g., "Worry Monster," "The Temper Tornado," "Sticky Fingers")

2. Ask questions about the problem as if it were separate from your child:

   • "When does the Worry Monster usually show up?"

   • "What tricks does The Temper Tornado use to make you lose control?"

   • "How does Sticky Fingers convince you to take things that aren't yours?"

3. Discuss how you can work together against the problem:

   • "How can we team up against the Worry Monster?"

   • "What helps you notice when The Temper Tornado is getting close?"

This approach reduces shame and defensiveness while increasing your child's sense of agency.

Strength-spotting

Children often become stuck in problem stories that emphasise their weaknesses. Actively looking for and highlighting their strengths helps balance these narratives.

How to do it:

1. At dinner or bedtime, ask: "What did you do today that you're proud of?"

2. Notice specific strengths: "I saw how patient you were with your little brother when he knocked over your tower."

3. Connect current strengths to their developing story: "You've always been someone who notices when others need help."

4. Create a "strength jar" where family members write down strengths they notice in each other and read them together weekly.

Re-authoring conversations

When children face challenges or setbacks, help them find new ways to understand these experiences.

How to do it:

1. Listen fully to your child's current story about what happened

2. Ask questions that open up new possibilities:

   • "What does this experience tell you about what matters to you?"

   • "If your best friend had this happen, what would you tell them?"

   • "Five years from now, how might you look back on this moment?"

3. Help them find the learning: "So even though you didn't win, you discovered how much you enjoy being part of a team."

Family storytelling exercises

The family timeline

This exercise helps families recognise how their shared story has evolved over time, including both challenges and successes.

How to do it:

1. Get a large piece of paper and draw a horizontal line

2. Mark significant family events along the timeline (births, moves, achievements, challenges)

3. Ask each family member to add events that were important to them

4. For each significant event, discuss:

   • How did different family members experience this?

   • What strengths did family members show during this time?

   • How did the family overcome challenges together?

   • What did we learn from this experience?

This exercise builds a sense of shared history while acknowledging that each person experienced events differently.

The problem is the problem

This exercise helps families unite against external problems rather than blaming each other.

How to do it:

1. Identify a recurring family issue (e.g., morning rush, homework battles, screen time conflicts)

2. Together, give the problem a name (e.g., "Morning Madness," "Homework Hassles")

3. Interview each family member about how the problem affects them:

   • "How does Morning Madness trick you into running late?"

   • "What does Homework Hassles tell you about yourself/each other?"

   • "When has your family stood up to Screen Time Chaos successfully?"

4. Create an action plan for how the family can work together against the problem

This approach shifts from "Mum is always nagging" or "The kids are always disorganised" to "How can we all tackle Morning Madness together?"

Family role interviews

This exercise helps family members understand each other's perspectives and responsibilities better.

How to do it:

1. Have family members interview each other about their roles:

   • Child interviews parent: "What's the hardest part of being a parent? What's the best part?"

   • Parent interviews child: "What do you think adults don't understand about being a kid? What pressures do you feel?"

   • Siblings interview each other: "What's it like being the oldest/youngest? What do you wish I understood about you?"

2. Each person shares what they learned from their interview

3. Discuss surprises and new understandings that emerged

This exercise builds empathy by helping family members step into each other's shoes.

Letters to the future family

This exercise helps create a shared vision of what the family wants to become.

How to do it:

1. Imagine your family one year from now at its best

2. Each family member writes a letter from this future perspective describing:

   • What you appreciate about each family member

   • How the family overcame current challenges

   • What new traditions or habits you've developed

   • What you're looking forward to

3. Share letters and look for common themes

4. Create a family mission statement or set of values based on these shared hopes

This exercise helps families move from problem-focused to possibility-focused thinking.

Benefits for resolving family conflicts

Moving from blame to understanding

When families are stuck in conflict, they often focus on assigning blame. Narrative approaches shift the focus to understanding each person's experience and the context of behaviours.

For example, when a teenager repeatedly breaks curfew, instead of just punishing the behaviour, narrative questions might explore:

• What is the teenager seeking through this behaviour?

• How do family members interpret the lateness differently?

• What values are at stake for both parents and teen?

This approach doesn't excuse problematic behaviour but creates space to address underlying needs and concerns.

Finding exceptions to problem patterns

Even in families with entrenched conflicts, there are always exceptions—times when things worked better. Narrative therapy helps families identify and build on these exceptions.

For example, a family struggling with constant arguing might explore:

• "When was a time recently when we disagreed but didn't end up in a shouting match?"

• "What was different about that situation?"

• "How could we bring more of those conditions into our everyday interactions?"

These questions help families recognise that change is possible because it has already happened in small ways.

Rewriting limiting family stories

Many families operate under restrictive narratives like:

• "We're just a family that argues a lot"

• "In our family, we don't talk about feelings"

• "Smith children always struggle in school"

Narrative therapy helps families question these inherited stories and create new ones that allow more possibilities for all members:

• "We're a passionate family learning better ways to communicate"

• "We're developing new ways to share difficult feelings"

• "Each Smith child has their own unique learning journey"

Creating a sense of teamwork

Perhaps the most powerful benefit of narrative approaches is how they unite families against external problems rather than against each other. This team mentality helps family members:

• Support rather than criticise each other

• Pool resources to address challenges

• Celebrate individual and collective successes

• Maintain connection even during difficulties

Getting started with narrative approaches at home

You don't need professional training to bring narrative ideas into your family. Start with these simple practices:

1. Notice labels and challenge them: When you hear yourself thinking "She's so stubborn" or "He's always careless," try reframing: "She's showing determination" or "He's focused on other priorities right now."

2. Ask circular questions: Instead of "Why did you do that?" try "What were you hoping would happen?" or "How do you think your sister felt when that happened?"

3. Create regular storytelling times: Use dinner, car rides, or bedtime to share stories about your day, focusing on moments of strength or connection.

4. Acknowledge multiple perspectives: When conflicts arise, explicitly state: "I think we're seeing this differently. I'd like to understand how you see it."

5. Celebrate your family's resilience story: Regularly remind each other of challenges you've overcome together and what that says about your family's strengths.

Narrative therapy offers families a powerful alternative to blame, criticism, and disconnection. By helping each family member tell their story—and by creating new, shared narratives together—families can build stronger connections and develop more effective ways of navigating life's challenges.

At Kōwhai, we’d love to help you create a strong shared narrative with your family or partner, or even with yourself. Get in touch and book with one of our qualified narrative therapists today.